Weariness

Ever since my pneuomina-kidney infection combo a month ago, I find that I get tired a lot more easily than usual. That's been especially true this week. It's the end of the month again, so in addition to my usual 12-hour school day, I've been working on monthly progress reports and lesson plans. Toward the end of the day, I can actually start to feel my brain start to shut itself down. I remember learning about different types of brain waves in a psychology class in high school. Is it possible actually to feel your brain waves change? I think I can.

When I get home at night, I'm tired. I'm not able to think clearly enough to read or write or study, so I'm not making anywhere near enough progress on my geology and math courses or my Korean, and my journal entries and email messages go unwritten. Honestly, at the end of the day, I no longer want to communicate. It's almost as if after a full day of trying to communicate, I have no more words left to exchange--none to say, none to hear--in English or Korean. I don't even turn the television on. I just want to sit in quiet.

My brain feels a little more fried than usuaul today. In my morning classes at the preschool, I have no control over the curriculum. I am simply given a lesson and am expected to teach it. However, the lessons are frequently inadequate--insufficient material or an inappropriate level or simply a poor quality. Today I was given a science lesson that was designed for 2nd graders in the United States, and I was expected to teach it to 5- and 6-year-olds whose English is so limited that they sometimes still have trouble answering the question "How are you?" with the pat response "I'm fine, thank you." At the preschool, I'm supposed to have a Korean coteacher in the class with me. Some are very sweet and helpful, but others surf the internet with complete disregard to the fact that the kids don't have any idea what I'm saying and chaos is beginning to ensue.

Today the lesson was obviously too difficult for the kids, but I had to teach it anyway. In one class, this resulted in 12 children holding up papers and screaming "MS EMH, 어똫게?????????????" ("WHAT DO I DO???") With no common language, I had no real way to explain to them what they were supposed to do, and even if I could have explained it, the lesson would have been too difficult for them anyway. The Korean coteacher, completely oblivious to the deafening noise level, didn't try to help with the explanation. She was too busy keeping a child, whom I suspect to be autistic, from wandering out of the classroom (why his assigned seat is closest to the door is beyond me), and no matter how may times I said, "Raise your hand!" or "Don't yell!" the screaming persisted.

I don't blame the kids. They're just little and asking for help in the way they know how--repeating themselves with increased volume when they don't get a sufficient answer to their question. I don't blame the teacher. She's usually helpful and was obviously busy assisting the special needs child. I do, however, blame--or at least question--this culture of ultra competitiveness that makes people believe that it's somehow beneficial to their very small children to push them past their ability to comprehend--to give beginning English students materials designed for native English-speakers who are several years older than they are. The sad thing is that this completely wasted valuable class time during which real progress could have been made in their English education. It's even sadder that this isn't the first class we've had like this.

Discipline, or Lack Thereof

I was a little on edge today, so things that normally don't bother me too much grated on me more than usual. I have one student who is particularly rude and annoying. Most of the time, I believe I deal with this student well and ignore as much as I can, but today, I actually yelled in class. Normally, I think yelling is a waste of time and energy, but on this particular day, nothing else seemed to get this student's attention. When the rude, annoying behavior continued after repeated warnings, I completely lost my cool. The student was startled and almost in tears and the rest of the class just stared at me. "I think Ms EMH is serious," one of the kids whispered to another.

"As opposed to the times I'm not serious when I say this behavior is unacceptable?" I thought. In my mind, I could hear echoes of my mom saying to my sister and me when we were kids, "Do you think I yell because I like to?!"

Most of my students are sweet, but a few, like this particular student, have already bought into the aspect of Korean culture that essentially gives a foreigner no status in society. While most of my students are respectful, sweet children, it's frustrating to the extreme to encounter those who already view foreigners as somehow less deserving of respect than Koreans and who view foreigner teachers as having no real authority.

I'm not sure yelling earned me any respect in this student's eyes, but since nothing else I tried seemed to work, if this at least communicates that being rude and annoying is socially unacceptable, then maybe something important was learned this week.

I wanted to talk to this student after class and say something to the effect of, "We didn't do too well together day. Let's work together better next time," but the student was out the door faster than I've ever seen this student move. I sighed as I watched the little head of black hair disappear down the hallway with remarkable speed.

My project for the week: learn some new discipline strategies because what I currently know clearly isn't working in this case.

I'm thankful . . .

. . . for my family and friends.
. . . for my teachers and mentors.
. . . for my physical and emotional health.
. . . for the peace and prosperity in which I live.
. . . for food on my table and a roof over my head.
. . . for my students who challenge and inspire me.
. . . for a life that is full of people and places I love.
. . . for clean water to drink and clean air to breathe.
. . . for access to quality healthcare and trained physicians.
. . . for my education and life experiences which have molded me.

I had a happy Thanksgiving dinner at my apartment with my friends from work. Instead of turkey, we ordered some Chinese delivery. Great food and good company. As the only American at the table, I did my best to explain American Thanksgiving traditions, or at least those of my family. I also tried to answer T and M's historical questions, which at one point required pulling my copy of Nathaniel Philbrick's Mayflower off the bookshelf to check facts. It was fun to celebrate an American holiday with my friends here, but at the same time, I missed being with my family.

Here's our Thanksgiving dinner, including a rare recent photo of yours truly without glasses.

We thank Thee, Lord, for this our food,
For life and health and every good;
By Thine own hand may we be fed;
Give us each day our daily bread.
John Cennick, 1741

November Highlights

I've been too busy to write much this month. Among all the other things on my plate, I began the mammoth project of editing my Korea journal for consideration for publication--as if teaching, recovering from pneumonia, taking two university courses, joining the gym, and studying Korean weren't enough to keep me busy.

We had our first snowfall of the year last night. It didn't last long and was followed by a thunderstorm, but it was pretty while it lasted. It signals that fall really is on its way out. The trees are looking pretty bare right now, but just a couple weeks ago, they were the most beautiful yellow and red. These shots are of the ginkgo trees right outside my apartment building.November has been a good month. I attended the baptism of one of my students early in the month. It was an honor to be invited and very nice to be back inside a church. It was the same church that I stood in front of several months ago and contemplated having become an outsider. Here is beautiful Irene, dressed her in hanbok for her baptism.The following weekend Catherine, M, and I went along with T and H-k to E and L's ballet recital at the local culture and arts center. Another two of my students were also in the three-hour performance. The little kids were clumsily cute as they basked in their prima ballerina glory, and the middle and high school students who performed a combination of ballet and traditional Korean dancing were elegant.As usual, I'm thankful for my friends here who give me little glimpses into the celebrations and routine of Korean life. To share some American culture with my friends, I've invted them to my apartment for dinner this Friday to celebrate Thanksgiving with me. Since I don't know where to get a turkey in Korea and couldn't cook one on my two-burner gas range anyway, I'm opting for the alternate American tradition--Chinese take-out.

Reminding Myself Why I Took PE Pass/Fail in High School

P.E. was the downfall of my otherwise straight-A year in 9th grade. I was uncoordinated, out-of-shape, asthmatic, and entirely unmotivated when it came to athletic endeavors. When I transferred schools midway through high school, I was relieved that my new school offered the option of taking P.E. pass/fail, which meant I could show up, don the uniform, make a fool out of myself, and not suffer any academic consequences.

I like to think I've come a long way since then, but today I joined a gym for the first time in my life, and I'm not so sure. I'm still a little under the weather from my round of pneumonia a couple weeks ago, but I'm feeling like it's time to get moving again to shake what's left of this bug, so when Catherine suggested joining the gym with her, I decided to give it a try.

Since I've done absolutely no physical activity in the past three weeks, I was surprised that I didn't do too terribly on the treadmill. I'd never used one before, so it took a while to figure out how to keep my balance on it, but once I got the hang of it, I kept going for longer than I thought I would. However, stretching was another matter entirely. The trainer at the gym gave Catherine and me a stretching lesson that was a little too complicated for me. I couldn't follow the instructions in Korean, so I did my best to watch the trainer in the mirror and do what she was doing. What a flashback to adolescent uncoordination. At one point, Catherine noticed me struggling to figure it out and stopped what she was doing to reposition my arms. The whole ordeal made me laugh, which didn't help. Yeah, it's a good thing I went for the pass/fail option in high school.

We're going back again in the morning, and they're going to do something or other to analyze our body fat and water balance. Other than no breakfast tomorrow morning, I'm really not sure what that means.

Zapped

This week has been a blur. I stayed home from school on Monday and felt too miserable to do anything. I didn't read, didn't watch tv, didn't even sleep. I just sat on my couch and wrapped myself up in a pretty pink shawl that my new friends S and B, whom I met in North Korea in September, gave me for my birthday.

On Tuesday I went back to school. I taught my morning classes, but H-k taught my afternoon classes, and I just helped out. I was really beat at the end of the day. I went home at 7:00 and was sound asleep by 8:00. I only woke up twice in 12 hours! On Wednesday I taught my morning classes. H-k taught two of my afternoon classes, and I taught the other two. On Thursday and Friday, I taught all of my classes by myself.

I had a follow up appointment with the doctor on Friday. H-k gave me a ride, and we had to leave here by 6 AM, which was not a lot of fun. They did blood tests and chest xrays. The doctor said there's a lot of improvement but still some sign of infection, so I'm not supposed to exert myself for another two weeks, and I'm supposed to keep pumping fluids. It's frustrating because I want to be better NOW. The fall colors are at their peak now--beautiful yellows, oranges, and reds--and I want to be on top of the mountains. I know not to overdo it, however. I don't want this bug coming back. I was actually starting to feel close to normal on Friday, but I'm feeling really lethargic and just generally ill again today. No plans for the weekend except staying warm and sleeping.